A young field of research suggests it is surprisingly common

May 20th 2021

UNHAPPILY MARRIED for many years, Peter (not his real name) waited until his children were grown up before he divorced their mother. He hoped this would make the experience less upsetting for them. Yet in the six years since, he has not seen either of his two sons. He speaks to the younger one, who is in his 20s, once or twice a year; the eldest, in his 30s, has cut off all contact. His middle child, a daughter, has at times tried to act as go-between, an experience she has found distressing. “For me it has been completely devastating,” he says. “I get on with my life, but I get teary when I think about them.” Losing contact with children is like bereavement, he says, but with the painful tug of hope that they might one day be reconciled.

Though people tend not to talk about it much, familial estrangement seems to be widespread in America. The first large-scale nationwide survey, recently conducted by Cornell University, found that 27% of adult Americans are estranged from a close family member. Karl Pillemer, a professor of sociology who led the research and wrote a book about its findings called “Fault Lines”, says that because people often feel shame, the real figure is likely to be higher. The relationship most commonly severed is that between parent and adult child, and in most cases it is the child who wields the knife.