This letter writer’s most trusted confidante used to be Mom — before her anxiety took over.
Dear Carolyn: I’m 40 and an introvert, and my most trusted confidants have always been my parents.
My mom in particular has grown increasingly anxious as she’s gotten older, and our several weekly phone conversations have become confined to trite topics like what she’s watching on TV. I’m really struggling through a tough moment with a job I hate and a general lack of purpose, and it’s on my mind all the time. But sharing anything negative with her leaves her anxious for days, and I think as a result she also never asks me about my life. She basically doesn’t know my current life at all, and that’s really hard, too.
I want to rely on her like I used to, and I know in theory that she wants that, too. Am I missing a way to share more of my life with her? I have so much stress bottled up with no one to vent it to.
Where to Turn Now?: Even if your most trusted confidante weren’t your mom, weren’t a generation older, weren’t losing ground in a battle with anxiety, weren’t letting you down just as your need for support was peaking, then you’d still have the problem of a critically underdeveloped support network.
If the goal is good mental health, then we can’t do this to our confidants, and we can’t do this to ourselves.
It is too much work and worry for any one person. It is too much vulnerability for us.
This has been true all along. You’re dealing with it now because your mom happened to hit her limit, but your need to adapt was always a when, not an if.
It’s not great timing, I know, but please — diversify. Meaning:
1. Get professional help for the big stuff you’re wrestling with. I’d say that about anything wearing out you and your team. (Some resources here.)
2. Circulate more, in ways that accommodate your introversion. Socializing involves so many variables: numbers, time, setting, to name a few, and each is a dial you control. Huge crowds, one on one, in between? Face to face, for focused attention — or side by side, to minimize eye contact? Shared activity, or limited distractions? An established interest with a flattened learning curve, or a new pursuit with a steep curve? Brief social exchanges, such as flea-market shopping, or sustained companionship? Solo, with old friends, with promising acquaintances, with strangers? Restful, or active for the physical-emotional boost?
Organic confidants aren’t sold at farmers markets, but this is about finding ways to connect for connecting’s sake, on your terms — which can ease your bottled-up feeling in unexpected ways. (Check out Cristina Quinn’s “Try This” podcast on friendship.)
3. Tee up some distractions. After extensive research, I’m ready to say that binge-watching prestige television does not make difficult problems go away. But “struggling through a tough moment” is hard work, and you need rest. What book, movie, show, music, poetry, podcast, art, team sport, self-care, [your entry here] helps you get at some of those deeply wedged feelings? On demand, on your terms.
Think of these three as an emotional first-aid kit. We all need one stocked and updated.
I understand (firsthand) that introversion will not be denied. But that doesn’t mean it gets to rule out everyone but Mom as too tiring. Think of introversion instead as requiring harder work in shorter bursts. Social HIIT.
Back, finally, to Mom: When you have other ways to manage your tough moments, you can share them with her as either resolved or in healthy progress. Add intimacy by subtracting the need.
