Question: “My 33-year-old ex-wife is refusing to share a lunchbox that our 3-year-old son has been using to go to preschool with daily. I know it sounds strange. It is. Let me explain.
I bought him his backpack and she bought him a lunchbox, which we’ve been switching back and forth on our parenting days for quite some time now. Recently, she blew up about a sticker that was no longer on the lunchbox and sent me a nasty email telling me to purchase my own lunchbox. Now, she refuses to give it to me on the days when I am taking our son to school.
My son’s teacher reached out stating he was in emotional distress during snack time over not having this lunchbox and his normal snacks, yet my ex refuses to let me have it to send with him to school knowing this.
Am I wrong for not wanting to purchase two sets of school supplies?”
My partner is getting very close with his flirty coworker: Can I demand he quit his job?
Answer: “I don’t think you’re wrong for not wanting to purchase two sets of school supplies, but your wants and needs are not the most important in this situation. Your son’s needs are.
Your ex-wife’s refusal to share a simple item is causing your child unnecessary emotional suffering.
Co-parenting is hard, and while I’m not a parent myself, I’ve been the kid in a stressful co-parenting situation and it can take a toll. Your son is only 3-years-old, and at this point in time he’s not going to understand the concept of separate items for mom and dad’s houses. He just knows THIS lunchbox is his favorite and he loves it.
You could try to find the exact same item to appease her, but no replica or replacement may be good enough for your child because of the attachment he has. So this is where you and your ex-wife need to come together and agree that your child’s needs come before anything else.
I have a feeling this really isn’t about the missing lunchbox sticker, but rather this is a case of someone who’s dealing with some hurt or unresolved feelings and is acting out.
Healthy communication and a co-parenting can be difficult, but especially if your relationship ended on less-than-great terms. I would try to have a conversation with her regarding how your son is distressed and how you would like to come together to ensure his needs are being met. He deserves to have two happy, healthy homes with parents that can put their differences aside for him – especially in front of him. Make sure to highlight what his teacher has said, but try to not leave her feeling attacked or like she doesn’t understand her own child’s needs. If you have already tried this course of action, I would highly recommend family therapy for the two of you. Having a third-party there to facilitate a healthy conversation and establish boundaries may be the most successful. It’s easy to become confrontational rather than receptive when someone you dislike tries to communicate things to you, so do your best to keep the conversation as neutral and constructive as possible. Throughout all of this, I’m sure you’ll have no difficulty emphasizing your son is the main priority here.
At the end of the day, you and your ex-wife need to be able to put your own desires, annoyances and petty grievances aside for the sake of your child and to do what’s best for him. I hope this helps and gives you some ideas on how to progress forward.
Wishing you the best,
Morgan
Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, “Two Hot Takes” where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with USA TODAY’s readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at Mabsher@gannett.com or you can click here to share your story with her.
