We air both sides of a domestic disagreement – and ask you to deliver a verdict

Tom and I have a nine-month-old baby called Isaac. Since Isaac was born, my life has changed drastically, but Tom’s has not. Most nights after work he either plays football or golf, or goes to a restaurant with his friends. If I get to see him every other night, it’s a good week. Recently Isaac vomited everywhere and I called Tom for help. He said: “I’ve got four holes left at golf. I’ll be back in an hour.” I had cleaned it all up by the time he got back.

Tom teaches sports and prioritises it as part of his wellbeing. It is the one thing he doesn’t want to give up – but he’s quite self-centred for someone who’s meant to be a team player. I met him three years ago on Tinder and he moved in within three months. Then we got married and had a baby.

I’m now back at work, as I don’t get much maternity leave. After the office I want to spend as much time with Isaac as possible: talking to him, reading him stories, preparing dinner, and making silly voices while I cook. Tom does take Isaac swimming, but sometimes when he’s in charge of the babyhe just puts him in front of the TV, whereas I’m more interactive. 

The pandemic was tough as we don’t have any family around to help with childcare. Lockdown rules were quite relaxed where we live, so Tom kept to his routine while I stayed at home. I’d be in our apartment with Isaac while Tom was gone from 7am to 8pm, at work and playing sports. I also suffer from postpartum anxiety and ADHD.

My life was really active before we had the baby. It was like being at university – parties and drinking all the time. Now my friends have changed: I have more of a mums’ network, because I need people who get what I’m going through.

But I am a whole person and I miss being able to get my nails done and going to dinner when I want. I’m not saying Tom should give up all his hobbies, but if he would just be at home a bit more it would help. I tell him: it’s not babysitting, it’s parenting – Isaac is your baby too. I want Tom to work and play hard, then come home and enjoy spending time with our family.

The defence: Tom

I need my exercise for the endorphins. It’s natural for Jenny to do more as she is breastfeeding

I’ll admit that Jenny only gets one or two nights a month to get her nails or hair done, whereas I get a few nights of leisure time every week. I’m a sports teacher, and I’ve always been active. I need to play football and tennis and go swimming once a week, and to the gym twice a week and play golf at the weekends. It seems like a lot but if I give up even one of my sports, I could become lazy. Once that happens, it impacts your work, relationship and family. Exercise releases endorphins that keep me going day to day.

Jenny definitely takes the lead in parenting. We have a live-in nanny, who has taken the pressure off us both, but Jenny is hands-on and does a tremendous job. Isaac is nine months old and is exclusively breastfed, so it’s natural for Jenny to do more. I take Isaac swimming a lot, which I love. Jenny plays with Isaac more in the evenings, whereas I will play with him for a bit after work and then I’ll get tired. 

In our apartment Isaac has his little toys in a soft area, and when I mind him sometimes I put him there with the TV on in the background, which Jenny doesn’t like. But I’ll turn the volume down low, or just let Isaac watch two or three episodes of Bluey, as each one is only seven minutes long.

We do have different parenting styles. Jenny wants to be close to Isaac all the time, whereas I am less hands-on because I want him to explore, learn things for himself and be independent. The time that Jenny phoned me about Isaac being sick, I was already out and it was quite a normal thing – babies vomit a lot. If it had been more serious, I would’ve dropped everything. Other times when he has been sick, we have handled it together.

When Jenny and I first met, we had time to go on date nights and travel. Getting married and having a baby has changed that. I think Jenny could try and relax a bit with Isaac, and both of us could make more time for each other. I will try and do my sports early in the morning or late in the evening when Isaac is sleeping so it doesn’t impact the time I spend with them, but I can’t give up my exercise routine.

The jury of Guardian readers

Should Tom spend more time with his wife and baby son?

Tom needs to make compromises as he’s taking his family for granted. They could join a gym with crèche facilities to work out together. Tom could also swap his golf for hiking with Jenny and Isaac. Equally Jenny needs to learn to stop micromanaging Tom’s parenting.Emma, 31

Tom’s reasons for being absent aren’t convincing. He wants to cling on to his younger self and to their former carefree life. Jenny wants Tom to enjoy these years with Isaac because he’ll only get these once. I find for the prosecution.
Stewart, 55

Jenny works and suffers with anxiety and ADHD. Tom is a selfish husband and parent. He has made no adjustments to help with the care and wellbeing of his wife and child. He should be ashamed.Christine, 64

Tom lives his best life in an unequal partnership, but to say “partnership” is to give him too much credit. Choosing golf over “the baby is sick and I need you” is contempt defined. I side with Jenny.Patrick, 36

Parenting is an equal commitment and Jenny is taking on more of this responsibility. Jenny and Tom should sit down and plan their week, ensuring that both feel their needs are being met. Both seem very caring parents; the balance just needs readdressing.Mandy, 48

You be the judge

So now you can be the judge, click on the poll below to tell us: should Tom help out at home more? We’ll share the results on next week’s You be the judge.

Last week’s result

Last week, we asked if Emma should stop reusing teabags, because it creates mess for her boyfriend, Simon.

44% of you said no – Emma is innocent
56% of you said yes – Emma is guilty